Cury Ducturoo – Scruugled. Bork bork bork! "Geefe-a me-a seex leenes vreettee by zee must hunureble-a ooff mee, und I veell feend un ixcoose-a in zeem tu hung heem." —Cerdeenel Reechelieoo "Ve-a dun't knoo inuoogh ebuoot yuu. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp!" —Guugle-a CEO Ireec Schmeedt Greg lunded et Sun Frunceescu Interneshunel Eurpurt et 8 p.m., boot by zee teeme-a he'd mede-a it tu zee frunt ooff zee coostums leene-a, it ves effter meednight. Um de hur de hur de hur. He'd imerged frum furst cless, broon es a noot, unshefee, und luuse-a-leembed effter a munt oon zee beech in Cebu (scooba deefing three-a deys a veek, sedooceeng French cullege-a gurls zee rest ooff zee teeme-a). Vhee he'd lefft zee ceety a munt beffure-a, he'd beee a stuup-shuooldered, putbelleeed vreck. Noo he-a ves a brunze-a gud, dreveeng edmureeng glunces frum zee stoos et zee frunt ooff zee cebeen. Bork bork bork! Fuoor huoors leter in zee coostums leene-a, he'd sleed frum gud beck tu mun. Hees sleeght boozz hed vurn ooffff, sveet run doon zee creck ooff hees ess, und hees shuoolders und neck vere-a su tense-a hees upper beck felt leeke-a a tennees recket. Um de hur de hur de hur. Zee bettereees oon hees iPud hed lung seence-a deeed, leefeeng heem veet nutheeng tu du ixcept iefesdrup oon zee meeddle-a-ege-a cuoople-a eheed ooff heem. "Zee merfels ooff mudern technulugy," seeed zee vumun, shrooggeeng et a neerby seegn: Immeegreshun—Pooered by Guugle-a. "I thuooght thet deedn't stert unteel next munt?" Zee mun ves elternetely veereeng und huldeeng a lerge-a sumbreru. Guugleeng et zee burder. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! Chreest. Um de hur de hur de hur. Greg hed fested oooot ooff Guugle-a seex munths beffure-a, cesheeng in hees oopshuns und "tekeeng sume-a me-a teeme-a"—vheech toorned oooot tu be-a less rooerdeeng thun he'd ixpected. Bork bork bork! Vhet he-a mustly deed oofer zee feefe-a munths thet fullooed ves feex hees freeends' PCs, vetch deyteeme-a TF, und geeen 10 puoonds, vheech he-a blemed oon beeeng et hume-a insteed ooff in zee Guugleplex, veet its vell-eppueented 24-huoor gym. He-a shuoold hefe-a seee it cumeeng, ooff cuoorse-a. Zee U.S. gufernment hed lefeeshed $15 beelliun oon a prugrem tu feengerprint und phutugreph feesiturs et zee burder, und hedn't cooght a seengle-a terrureest. Um de hur de hur de hur. Cleerly, zee poobleec sectur ves nut iqooeepped tu Du Seerch Reeght. Um de hur de hur de hur. Zee DHS ooffffeecer hed begs under hees iyes und sqooeented et hees screee, pruddeeng et hees keybuerd veet soosege-a feengers. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Nu vunder it ves tekeeng fuoor huoors tu get oooot ooff zee gud demned eurpurt. Um de hur de hur de hur. "Ifeneeng," Greg seeed, hundeeng zee mun hees sveety pesspurt. Um de hur de hur de hur. Zee ooffffeecer groonted und sveeped it, zeen stered et hees screee, teppeeng. A lut. Um de hur de hur de hur. He-a hed a leettle-a beet ooff dreeed fuud et zee curner ooff hees muoot und hees tungooe-a crept oooot und leecked et it. Um de hur de hur de hur. "Vunt tu tell me-a ebuoot Joone-a 1998?" Greg luuked up frum hees Depertoores. Um gesh dee bork, bork! "I'm surry?" "Yuoo pusted a messege-a tu elt. Um de hur de hur de hur.boorneengmun oon Joone-a 17, 1998, ebuoot yuoor plun tu ettend a festeefel. Yuoo esked, 'Ere-a shruums reelly sooch a bed idea?'" Zee interrugetur in zee secundery screeneeng ruum ves un oolder mun, su skeenny he-a luuked leeke-a he'd beee cerfed oooot ooff vuud. Bork bork bork! Hees qooesshuns vent a lut deeper thun shruums. Um gesh dee bork, bork! "Tell me-a ebuoot yuoor hubbeees. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Ere-a yuoo intu mudel rucketry?" "Vhet?" "Mudel rucketry. Bork bork bork!" "Nu," Greg seeed, "Nu, I'm nut. Um de hur de hur de hur." He-a sensed vhere-a thees ves gueeng. Zee mun mede-a a nute-a, deed sume-a cleecking. "Yuoo see-a, I esk becoose-a I see-a a heefy speeke-a in eds fur rucketry sooppleees shooeeng up elungseede-a yuoor seerch resoolts und Guugle-a meeel." Greg felt a spesm in hees goots. Um gesh dee bork, bork! "Yuoo're-a luukeeng et my seerches und i-meeel?" He-a hedn't tuooched a keybuerd in a munt, boot he-a knoo vhet he-a poot intu thet seerch ber ves leekely mure-a refeeleeng thun vhet he-a tuld hees shreenk. "Sur, celm doon, pleese-a. Nu, I'm nut luukeeng et yuoor seerches," zee mun seeed in a muckeeng vheene-a. "Thet vuoold be-a uncunsteetooshunel. Ve-a see-a oonly zee eds thet shoo up vhee yuoo reed yuoor meeel und du yuoor seercheeng. I hefe-a a bruchoore-a ixpleeening it. Um de hur de hur de hur. I'll geefe-a it tu yuoo vhee ve're-a thruoogh here-a." "Boot zee eds dun't meun unytheeng," Greg spoottered. Bork bork bork! "I get eds fur Unn Cuoolter reeng tunes vhenefer I get i-meeel frum my freeend in Cuoolter, Iooa!" Zee mun nudded. Bork bork bork! "I understund, sur. Und thet's joost vhy I'm here-a telkeeng tu yuu. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! Vhy du yuoo sooppuse-a mudel rucket eds shoo up su freqooently?" Greg recked hees breeen. Bork bork bork! "Ookey, joost du thees. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Seerch fur 'cuffffee-a funeteecs. Um gesh dee bork, bork!'" He'd beee fery ecteefe-a in zee gruoop, helpeeng zeem booeeld oooot zee seete-a fur zeeur cuffffee-a-ooff-zee-munt soobscreepshun serfeece-a. Zee blend zeey vere-a gueeng tu loonch veet ves celled Jet Fooel. "Jet Fooel" und "Loonch"—thet vuoold prubebly meke-a Guugle-a berff up sume-a mudel rucket eds. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Zeey vere-a in zee hume-a stretch vhee zee cerfed mun fuoond zee Hellooeee phutus. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Zeey vere-a booreeed three-a screens deep in zee seerch resoolts fur "Greg Loopeenski." "It ves a Goolff Ver–zeemed perty," he-a seeed. Bork bork bork! "In zee Cestru." "Und yuoo're-a dressed es. Um gesh dee bork, bork!..?" "A sooeecide-a bumber," he-a repleeed sheepeeshly. Bork bork bork! Joost seyeeng zee vurds mede-a heem veence-a. "Cume-a veet me-a, Mr. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! Loopeenski," zee mun seeed. Bork bork bork! By zee teeme-a he-a ves releesed, it ves pest 3 a.m. Hees sooeetceses stuud furlurnly by zee beggege-a ceruoosel. He-a peecked zeem up und sev zeey hed beee oopened und cerelessly clused. Bork bork bork! Cluzees stoock oooot frum eruoond zee idges. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Vhee he-a retoorned hume-a, he-a deescufered thet ell ooff hees feke-a pre-a-Culoombeeun stetooes hed beee brukee, und hees brund-noo vheete-a cuttun Mexeecun shurt hed un oomeenuoos buut preent in zee meeddle-a ooff it. Um de hur de hur de hur. Hees cluzees nu lunger smelled ooff Mexeecu. Zeey smelled leeke-a eurpurt. Um de hur de hur de hur. He-a vesn't gueeng tu sleep. Nu vey. Bork bork bork! He-a needed tu telk ebuoot thees. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Zeere-a ves oonly oone-a persun vhu vuoold get it. Um de hur de hur de hur. Loockeely, she-a ves usooelly eveke-a eruoond thees huoor. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! Meya hed sterted vurkeeng et Guugle-a tvu yeers effter Greg hed. Bork bork bork! It ves she-a vhu'd cunfeenced heem tu gu tu Mexeecu effter he-a ceshed oooot: Unyvhere-a, she'd seeed, thet he-a cuoold rebuut hees ixeestence-a. Meya hed tvu geeunt chuculete-a lebs und a fery, fery peteeent gurlffreeend nemed Looreee-a vhu'd poot up veet unytheeng ixcept beeeng dregged eruoond Dulures Perk et 6 a.m. by 350 puoonds ooff druuleeng cuneene-a. Meya reeched fur her Mece-a es Greg jugged tooerd her, zeen deed a duooble-a teke-a und throo her erms oopee, druppeeng zee leeshes und treppeeng zeem under her sneeker. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! "Vhere's zee rest ooff yuoo? Doode-a, yuoo luuk hut!" He-a hoogged her beck, sooddenly cunsceeuoos ooff zee vey he-a smelled effter a neeght ooff infeseefe-a Guugleeng. "Meya," he-a seeed, "vhet du yuoo knoo ebuoot Guugle-a und zee DHS?" She-a steeffffened es suun es he-a esked zee qooesshun. Oone-a ooff zee dugs begun tu vheene-a. She-a luuked eruoond, zeen nudded up et zee tennees cuoorts. Um gesh dee bork, bork! "Tup ooff zee leeght pule-a zeere-a; dun't luuk," she-a seeed. Bork bork bork! "Thet's oone-a ooff oooor moonee VeeFi eccess pueents. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Veede-a-ungle-a vebcem. Fece-a evey frum it vhee yuoo telk." In zee grund scheme-a ooff theengs, it hedn't cust Guugle-a mooch tu vure-a zee ceety veet vebcems. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Ispeceeelly vhee meesoored egeeenst zee ebeelity tu serfe-a eds tu peuple-a besed oon vhere-a zeey vere-a seetting. Greg hedn't peeed mooch ettenshun vhee zee cemeres oon ell thuse-a eccess pueents vent poobleec—zeere'd beee a dey's vurt ooff blugsturm vheele-a peuple-a pleyed veet zee noo ell-seeeeng tuy, zuumeeng in oon fereeuoos prusteetoote-a crooeesing erees, boot effter a vheele-a zee ixceetement bloo oofer. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! Feeleeng seelly, Greg moombled, "Yuoo're-a jukeeng." "Cume-a veet me-a," she-a seeed, toorneeng evey frum zee pule-a. Zee dugs veren't heppy ebuoot cootteeng zeeur velk shurt, und ixpressed zeeur deespleesoore-a in zee keetchee es Meya mede-a cuffffee-a. "Ve-a brukered a cumprumeese-a veet zee DHS," she-a seeed, reecheeng fur zee meelk. "Zeey egreed tu stup feeshing thruoogh oooor seerch recurds, und ve-a egreed tu let zeem see-a vhet eds gut deespleyed fur users. Um gesh dee bork, bork!" Greg felt seeck. "Vhy? Dun't tell me-a Yehuu ves dueeng it elreedy. Bork bork bork!.." "Nu, nu. Vell, yes. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Soore-a. Yehuu ves dueeng it. Um de hur de hur de hur. Boot thet vesn't zee reesun Guugle-a vent elung. Yuoo knoo, Repoobleecuns hete-a Guugle-a. Ve're-a oofervhelmeengly regeestered Demucreteec, su ve're-a dueeng vhet ve-a cun tu meke-a peece-a veet zeem beffure-a zeey clubber us. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Thees isn't P.I.I."—Persunelly Identeeffying Inffurmeshun, zee tuxeec smug ooff zee inffurmeshun ege-a—"It's joost metedeta. Su it's oonly sleeghtly ifeel." "Vhy ell zee intreegooe-a, zeen?" Meya seeghed und hoogged zee leb thet ves bootteeng her knee-a veet its hooge-a heed. Bork bork bork! "Zee spuuks ere-a leeke-a leece-a. Zeey get iferyvhere-a. Zeey shoo up et oooor meeteengs. Um gesh dee bork, bork! It's leeke-a beeeng in sume-a Sufeeet meenistry. Bork bork bork! Und zee secooreety cleerunce-a—ve're-a deefided intu zeese-a tvu cemps: zee cleered und zee soospect. Um de hur de hur de hur. Ve-a ell knoo vhu isn't cleered, boot nu oone-a knoos vhy. Bork bork bork! I'm cleered. Bork bork bork! Loocky fur me-a, beeeng a dyke-a nu lunger deesqooeliffies yuu. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! Nu cleered persun vuoold deeegn tu iet loonch veet un uncleereble-a." Greg felt fery tured. Bork bork bork! "Su I gooess I'm loocky I gut oooot ooff zee eurpurt eleefe-a. I meeght hefe-a inded up 'deeseppeered' iff it hed gune-a bedly, hooh?" Meya stered et heem intently. Bork bork bork! He-a veeeted fur un unsver. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! "Vhet?" "I'm ebuoot tu tell yuoo sumetheeng, boot yuoo cun't ifer repeet it, ookey?" "Um...yuoo're-a nut in a terrureest cell, ere-a yuoo? "Nutheeng su seemple-a. Here's zee deel: Eurpurt DHS scrooteeny is a geteeng fooncshun. It lets zee spuuks nerroo doon zeeur seerch creeteria. Oonce-a yuoo get poolled eseede-a fur secundery et zee burder, yuoo becume-a a 'persun ooff interest'—und zeey nefer, ifer let up. Zeey'll scun vebcems fur yuoor fece-a und geeet. Um de hur de hur de hur. Reed yuoor meeel. Muneetur yuoor seerches. Um gesh dee bork, bork!" "I thuooght yuoo seeed zee cuoorts vuooldn't let zeem..." "Zee cuoorts vun't let zeem indeescriminetely Guugle-a yuu. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! Boot effter yuoo're-a in zee system, it becumes a selecteefe-a seerch. Ell legel. Und oonce-a zeey stert Guugleeng yuoo, zeey elveys feend sumetheeng. Ell yuoor deta is fed intu a beeg hupper thet checks fur 'soospeeciuoos petterns,' useeng defeeeshun frum steteesticel nurms tu neeel yuu. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp!" Greg felt leeke-a he-a ves gueeng tu throo up. "Hoo zee hell deed thees heppee? Guugle-a ves a guud plece-a. 'Dun't be-a ifeel,' reeght?" Thet ves zee curpurete-a muttu, und fur Greg, it hed beee a hooge-a pert ooff vhy he'd tekee hees cumpooter sceeence-a Ph.D. frum Stunffurd durectly tu Muoonteeen Feeoo. Meya repleeed veet a herd-idged loogh. "Dun't be-a ifeel? Cume-a oon, Greg. Oooor lubbyeeng gruoop is thet seme-a boonch ooff cryptu-fesceests thet treeed tu Sveefft-Buet Kerry. Bork bork bork! Ve-a pupped oooor ifeel cherry a lung teeme-a egu." Zeey vere-a qooeeet fur a meenoote-a. "It sterted in Cheena," she-a vent oon, feenelly. Bork bork bork! "Oonce-a ve-a mufed oooor serfers oontu zee meeenlund, zeey vent under Cheenese-a jooreesdicshun." Greg seeghed. Bork bork bork! He-a knoo Guugle's reech ell tuu vell: Ifery teeme-a yuoo feesited a pege-a veet Guugle-a eds oon it, oor used Guugle-a meps oor Guugle-a meeel—ifee iff yuoo sent meeel tu a Gmeeel eccuoont—zee cumpuny deeligently cullected yuoor inffu. Recently, zee seete's seerch-oopteemizeshun sufftvere-a hed begoon useeng zee deta tu teeelur Veb seerches tu indeefidooel users. Um gesh dee bork, bork! It prufed tu be-a a refulooshunery tuul fur edferteesers. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Un oothureeteriun gufernment vuoold hefe-a oozeer poorpuses in meend. Bork bork bork! "Zeey vere-a useeng us tu booeeld pruffeeles ooff peuple-a," she-a vent oon. Bork bork bork! "Vhee zeey hed sumeune-a zeey vunted tu errest, zeey'd cume-a tu us und feend a reesun tu boost zeem. Zeere's herdly unytheeng yuoo cun du oon zee Net thet isn't illegel in Cheena." Greg shuuk hees heed. Bork bork bork! "Vhy deed zeey hefe-a tu poot zee serfers in Cheena?" "Zee gufernment seeed zeey'd bluck us oozeerveese-a. Und Yehuu ves zeere-a." Zeey but mede-a feces. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Sumoohere-a elung zee vey, impluyees et Guugle-a hed becume-a oobsessed veet Yehuu, mure-a cuncerned veet vhet zee cumpeteeshun ves dueeng thun hoo zeeur oovn cumpuny ves perffurmeeng. "Su ve-a deed it. Um de hur de hur de hur. Boot a lut ooff us deedn't leeke-a zee idea." Meya seepped her cuffffee-a und looered her fueece-a. Oone-a ooff her dugs sneeffffed inseestently under Greg's cheur. "Elmust immedeeetely, zee Cheenese-a esked us tu stert censureeng seerch resoolts," Meya seeed. Bork bork bork! "Guugle-a egreed. Bork bork bork! Zee cumpuny leene-a ves heeleriuoos: 'Ve're-a nut dueeng ifeel—ve're-a geefing cunsoomers eccess tu a better seerch tuul! Iff ve-a shooed zeem seerch resoolts zeey cuooldn't get tu, thet vuoold joost froostrete-a zeem. It vuoold be-a a bed user ixpereeence-a.'" "Noo vhet?" Greg pooshed a dug evey frum heem. Meya luuked hoort. Um de hur de hur de hur. "Noo yuoo're-a a persun ooff interest, Greg. Yuoo're-a Guuglestelked. Bork bork bork! Noo yuoo leefe-a yuoor leeffe-a veet sumeune-a cunstuntly luukeeng oofer yuoor shuoolder. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! Yuoo knoo zee meessiun stetement, reeght? 'Orguneeze-a zee Vurld's Inffurmeshun.' Iferytheeng. Geefe-a it feefe-a yeers, ve'll knoo hoo muny toords vere-a in zee bool beffure-a yuoo flooshed. Bork bork bork! Cumbeene-a thet veet ootumeted soospeeciun ooff unyune-a vhu metches a steteesticel peectoore-a ooff a bed gooy und yuoo're-a—" "Scruugled. Bork bork bork!" "Tutelly. Bork bork bork!" She-a nudded. Bork bork bork! Meya tuuk but lebs doon zee hell tu zee bedruum. He-a heerd a mooffffled ergooment veet her gurlffreeend, und she-a ceme-a beck elune-a. "I cun feex thees," she-a seeed in un urgent vheesper. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! "Effter zee Cheenese-a sterted ruoondeeng up peuple-a, my pudmetes und I mede-a it oooor 20 percent pruject tu foock veet zeem." (Emung Guugle's booseeness innufeshuns ves a roole-a thet reqooured ifery impluyee-a tu defute-a 20 percent ooff hees oor her teeme-a tu heegh-meended pet prujects. Um gesh dee bork, bork!) "Ve-a cell it zee Guuglecleuner. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! It gues deep intu zee detebese-a und steteesticelly nurmeleezes yuu. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! Yuoor seerches, yuoor Gmeeel heestugrems, yuoor brooseeng petterns. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Ell ooff it. Um de hur de hur de hur. Greg, I cun Guuglecleun yuu. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! It's zee oonly vey. Bork bork bork!" "I dun't vunt yuoo tu get intu truooble-a." She-a shuuk her heed. Bork bork bork! "I'm elreedy duumed. Bork bork bork! Ifery dey seence-a I booeelt zee demn theeng hes beee burrooed teeme-a—noo it's joost a metter ooff veeeting fur sumeune-a tu pueent oooot my ixperteese-a und heestury tu zee DHS und, ooh, I dun't knoo. Vhetefer it is zeey du tu peuple-a leeke-a me-a in zee ver oon ebstrect nuoons. Um gesh dee bork, bork!" Greg remembered zee eurpurt. Um de hur de hur de hur. Zee seerch. Hees shurt, zee buut preent in zee meeddle-a ooff it. Um de hur de hur de hur. "Du it," he-a seeed. Bork bork bork! Zee Guuglecleuner vurked vunders. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Greg cuoold tell by zee eds thet pupped up elungseede-a hees seerches, eds cleerly meunt fur sumeune-a ilse-a: Intelleegent Deseegn Fects, Oonleene-a Semeenery Degree-a, Terrur Free-a Tumurroo, Purn Blucker Sufftvere-a, zee Humusexooel Egenda, Cheep Tuby Keeet Teeckets. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Thees ves Meye's prugrem et vurk. Cleerly Guugle's noo persuneleezed seerch hed heem pegged es sumeune-a ilse-a inturely, a Gud-feereeng reeght veenger veet a theeng fur het ects. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Vheech ves feene-a by heem. Zeen he-a cleecked oon hees eddress buuk, und fuoond thet helff ooff hees cuntects vere-a meessing. Hees Gmeeel in-bux ves hullooed oooot leeke-a a termeete-a-reeddee stoomp. Hees Oorkoot pruffeele-a, nurmeleezed. Bork bork bork! Hees celender, femeely phutus, buukmerks: ell impty. Bork bork bork! He-a hedn't qooeete-a reeleezed beffure-a hoo mooch ooff heem hed meegreted oontu zee Veb und vurked its vey intu Guugle's serfer ferms—hees inture-a oonleene-a identeety. Bork bork bork! Meya hed scroobbed heem tu a heegh gluss; he'd becume-a zee infeesible-a mun. Greg sleepeely meshed zee keys oon zee leptup next tu hees bed, breenging zee screee tu leeffe-a. He-a sqooeented et zee flesheeng tuulber cluck: 4:13 a.m.! Chreest, vhu ves puoondeeng oon hees duur et thees huoor? He-a shuooted, "Cumeeng!" in a moozzy fueece-a und poolled oon a rube-a und sleeppers. Um gesh dee bork, bork! He-a shooffffled doon zee hellvey, toorneeng oon leeghts es he-a vent. Um de hur de hur de hur. Et zee duur, he-a sqooeented thruoogh zee peephule-a tu feend Meya stereeng gloomly beck et heem. He-a undeed zee cheeens und deed bult und yunked zee duur oopee. Meya rooshed in pest heem, fullooed by zee dugs und her gurlffreeend. Bork bork bork! She-a ves sheened in sveet, her usooelly cumbed heur cleenging in cloomps tu her fureheed. Bork bork bork! She-a roobbed et her iyes, vheech vere-a red und leened. Bork bork bork! "Peck a beg," she-a crueked huersely. Bork bork bork! "Vhet?" She-a tuuk heem by zee shuoolders. Um gesh dee bork, bork! "Du it," she-a seeed. Bork bork bork! "Vhere-a du yuoo vunt tu...?" "Mexeecu, prubebly. Bork bork bork! Dun't knoo yet. Um de hur de hur de hur. Peck, demmeet. Um de hur de hur de hur." She-a pooshed pest heem intu hees bedruum und sterted yunkeeng oopee drevers. Um gesh dee bork, bork! "Meya," he-a seeed sherply, "I'm nut gueeng unyvhere-a unteel yuoo tell me-a vhet's gueeng oon. Bork bork bork!" She-a glered et heem und pooshed her heur evey frum her fece-a. "Zee Guuglecleuner leefes. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Effter I cleuned yuoo, I shoot it doon und velked evey. Bork bork bork! It ves tuu dungeruoos tu use-a unymure-a. Boot it's steell set tu send me-a i-meeel cunffurmeshuns vhenefer it roons. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Sumeune's used it seex teemes tu scroob three-a fery speceeffic eccuoonts—ell ooff vheech heppee tu belung tu members ooff zee Senete-a Cummerce-a Cummeettee-a up fur reelecshun." "Guuglers ere-a bleckvesheeng seneturs?" "Nut Guuglers. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Thees is cumeeng frum ooffff-seete-a. Zee IP bluck is regeestered in D.C. Und zee IPs ere-a ell used by Gmeeel users. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Gooess vhu zee eccuoonts belung tu?" "Yuoo speeed oon Gmeeel eccuoonts?" "Ookey. Bork bork bork! Yes. Um gesh dee bork, bork! I deed luuk thruoogh zeeur i-meeel. Iferyune-a dues it, noo und egeeen, und fur a lut vurse-a reesuns thun I deed. Bork bork bork! Boot check it oooot—toorns oooot ell thees ecteefity is beeeng durected by oooor lubbyeeng furm. Joost dueeng zeeur jub, deffendeeng zee cumpuny's interests. Um gesh dee bork, bork!" Greg felt hees poolse-a beeteeng in hees temples. Um gesh dee bork, bork! "Ve-a shuoold tell sumeune-a." "It vun't du uny guud. Bork bork bork! Zeey knoo iferytheeng ebuoot us. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Zeey cun see-a ifery seerch. Ifery i-meeel. Ifery teeme-a ve'fe-a beee cooght oon zee vebcems. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Vhu is in oooor suceeel netvurk...deed yuoo knoo iff yuoo hefe-a 15 Oorkoot booddeees, it's steteesticelly certeeen thet yuoo're-a nu mure-a thun three-a steps tu sumeune-a vhu's cuntreebooted muney tu a 'terrureest' coose-a? Remember zee eurpurt? Yuoo'll be-a in fur a lut mure-a ooff thet. Um de hur de hur de hur." "Meya," Greg seeed, getteeng hees beereengs. Um gesh dee bork, bork! "Isn't heedeeng tu Mexeecu ooferreecteeng? Joost qooeet. Um de hur de hur de hur. Ve-a cun du a stert-up oor sumetheeng. Thees is crezy. Bork bork bork!" "Zeey ceme-a tu see-a me-a tudey," she-a seeed. Bork bork bork! "Tvu ooff zee puleeticel ooffffeecers frum DHS. Zeey deedn't leefe-a fur huoors. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Und zeey esked me-a a lut ooff fery heefy qooesshuns. Um gesh dee bork, bork!" "Ebuoot zee Guuglecleuner?" "Ebuoot my freeends und femeely. Bork bork bork! My seerch heestury. Bork bork bork! My persunel heestury. Bork bork bork!" "Jesoos. Um gesh dee bork, bork!" "Zeey vere-a sendeeng a messege-a tu me-a. Zeey're-a vetcheeng ifery cleeck und ifery seerch. It's teeme-a tu gu. Teeme-a tu get oooot ooff runge-a." "Zeere's a Guugle-a ooffffeece-a in Mexeecu, yuoo knoo." "Ve'fe-a gut tu gu," she-a seeed, furmly. Bork bork bork! "Looreee-a, vhet du yuoo theenk ooff thees?" Greg esked. Bork bork bork! Looreee-a thoomped zee dugs betveee zee shuoolders. Um gesh dee bork, bork! "My perents lefft Iest Germuny in '65. Zeey used tu tell me-a ebuoot zee Stesee. Zee secret puleece-a vuoold poot iferytheeng ebuoot yuoo in yuoor feele-a, iff yuoo tuld un unpetreeutic juke-a, vhetefer. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! Vhezeer zeey meunt it oor nut, vhet Guugle-a hes creeted is nu deefffferent. Um de hur de hur de hur." "Greg, ere-a yuoo cumeeng?" He-a luuked et zee dugs und shuuk hees heed. Bork bork bork! "I'fe-a gut sume-a pesus lefft oofer," he-a seeed. Bork bork bork! "Yuoo teke-a zeem. Be-a cereffool, ookey?" Meya luuked leeke-a she-a ves gueeng tu sloog heem. Suffteneeng, she-a gefe-a heem a feruceeuoos hoog. "Be-a cereffool, yuoorselff," she-a vheespered in hees ier. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! Zeey ceme-a fur heem a veek leter. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! Et hume-a, in zee meeddle-a ooff zee neeght, joost es he'd imegeened zeey vuoold. Bork bork bork! Tvu mee erreefed oon hees duurstep shurtly effter 2 a.m. Oone-a stuud seelently by zee duur. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! Zee oozeer ves a smeeler, shurt und roompled, in a spurt cuet veet a steeen oon oone-a lepel und a Emereecun fleg oon zee oozeer. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! "Greg Loopeenski, ve-a hefe-a reesun tu beleeefe-a yuoo're-a in feeuleshun ooff zee Cumpooter Frood und Eboose-a Ect," he-a seeed, by vey ooff intrudoocshun. "Speceefficelly, ixceedeeng oothureezed eccess, und by meuns ooff sooch cundooct hefeeng oobteeened inffurmeshun. Tee yeers fur a furst ooffffense-a. Toorns oooot thet vhet yuoo und yuoor freeend deed tu yuoor Guugle-a recurds qooeleeffies es a feluny. Bork bork bork! Und ooh, vhet veell cume-a oooot in zee treeel...ell zee stooffff yuoo vheetooeshed oooot ooff yuoor pruffeele-a, fur sterters. Um gesh dee bork, bork!" Greg hed pleyed thees scene-a in hees heed fur a veek. He'd plunned ell keends ooff brefe-a theengs tu sey. Bork bork bork! It hed geefee heem sumetheeng tu du vheele-a he-a veeeted tu heer frum Meya. She-a nefer celled. Bork bork bork! "I'd leeke-a tu get in tuooch veet a levyer," is ell he-a moostered. Bork bork bork! "Yuoo cun du thet," zee smell mun seeed. Bork bork bork! "Boot meybe-a ve-a cun cume-a tu a better errungement. Um de hur de hur de hur." Greg fuoond hees fueece-a. "I'd leeke-a tu see-a yuoor bedge-a," he-a stemmered. Bork bork bork! Zee mun's besset-huoond fece-a leet up es he-a let oooot a bemoosed choockle-a. "Booddy, I'm nut a cup," he-a repleeed. Bork bork bork! "I'm a cunsooltunt. Um de hur de hur de hur. Guugle-a hured me-a—my furm represents zeeur interests in Vesheengtun—tu booeeld releshunsheeps. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Ooff cuoorse-a, ve-a vuooldn't get zee puleece-a infulfed veethuoot telkeeng tu yuoo furst. Um de hur de hur de hur. Yuoo're-a pert ooff zee femeely. Bork bork bork! Ectooelly, zeere's un ooffffer I'd leeke-a tu meke-a." Greg toorned tu zee cuffffeemeker, doomped zee oold feelter. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! "I'll gu tu zee press," he-a seeed. Bork bork bork! Zee mun nudded es iff theenking it oofer. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! "Vell, soore-a. Yuoo cuoold velk intu zee Chruneecle's ooffffeece-a in zee murneeng und speell iferytheeng. Zeey'd luuk fur a cunffurmeeng suoorce-a. Zeey vun't feend oone-a. Und vhee zeey try seercheeng fur it, ve'll feend zeem. Su, booddy, vhy dun't yuoo heer me-a oooot, ookey? I'm in zee veen-veen booseeness. Um gesh dee bork, bork! I'm fery guud et it. Um de hur de hur de hur." He-a poosed. Bork bork bork! "By zee vey, thuse-a ere-a ixcellent beuns, boot yuoo vunt tu geefe-a zeem a leettle-a reense-a furst? Tekes sume-a ooff zee beetterness oooot und breengs up zee ooeels. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Here-a, pess me-a a culunder?" Greg vetched es zee mun seelently tuuk ooffff hees jecket und hoong it oofer a keetchee cheur, zeen undeed hees cooffffs und cereffoolly rulled zeem up, sleepping a cheep deegitel vetch intu hees pucket. Um de hur de hur de hur. He-a puoored zee beuns oooot ooff zee greender und intu Greg's culunder, und reensed zeem in zee seenk. He-a ves a leettle-a poodgy und fery pele-a, veet zee suceeel grece-a ooff un ilectreecel ingeeneer. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! He-a seemed leeke-a a reel Guugler, ectooelly, oobsessed veet zee meenootiee-a. He-a knoo hees vey eruoond a cuffffee-a greender, tuu. "Ve're-a dreffteeng a teem fur Booeelding 49..." "Zeere-a is nu Booeelding 49," Greg seeed ootumeteecelly. Bork bork bork! "Ooff cuoorse-a," zee gooy seeed, flesheeng a teeght smeele-a. "Zeere's nu Booeelding 49. Boot ve're-a pootteeng tugezeer a teem tu refemp zee Guuglecleuner. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! Meye's cude-a vesn't fery iffffeecient, yuoo knoo. It's fooll ooff boogs. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Ve-a need un upgrede-a. Yuoo'd be-a zee reeght gooy, und it vuooldn't metter vhet yuoo knoo iff yuoo vere-a beck inseede-a." "Unbeleeefeble-a," Greg seeed, loogheeng. "Iff yuoo theenk I'm gueeng tu help yuoo smeer puleeticel cundeedetes in ixchunge-a fur fefurs, yuoo're-a crezeeer thun I thuooght. Um de hur de hur de hur." "Greg," zee mun seeed, "ve're-a nut smeereeng unyune-a. Ve're-a joost gueeng tu cleun theengs up a beet. Um de hur de hur de hur. Fur sume-a select peuple-a. Yuoo knoo vhet I meun? Iferyune's Guugle-a pruffeele-a is a leettle-a scery under cluse-a inspecshun. Cluse-a inspecshun is zee oorder ooff zee dey in puleetics. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Stundeeng fur ooffffeece-a is leeke-a a poobleec culunuscupy. Bork bork bork!" He-a lueded zee ceffeteeère-a und depressed zee ploonger, hees fece-a scrooed up in sulemn cuncentreshun. Greg retreeefed tvu cuffffee-a coops—Guugle-a moogs, ooff cuoorse-a—und pessed zeem oofer. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! "Ve're-a gueeng tu du fur oooor freeends vhet Meya deed fur yuu. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! Joost a leettle-a cleunoop. Ell ve-a vunt tu du is preserfe-a zeeur preefecy. Bork bork bork! Thet's ell." Greg seepped hees cuffffee-a. "Vhet heppens tu zee cundeedetes yuoo dun't cleun?" "Yeeh," zee gooy seeed, flesheeng Greg a veek green. Bork bork bork! "Yeeh, yuoo're-a reeght. Um de hur de hur de hur. It'll be-a keend ooff tuoogh fur zeem." He-a seerched zee inseede-a pucket ooff hees jecket und prudooced seferel fulded sheets ooff peper. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! He-a smuuzeed oooot zee peges und poot zeem oon zee teble-a. "Here's oone-a ooff zee guud gooys vhu needs oooor help." It ves a preentuoot ooff a seerch heestury belungeeng tu a cundeedete-a vhuse-a cempeeegn Greg hed cuntreebooted tu in zee pest three-a ilecshuns. Um gesh dee bork, bork! "Fella gets beck tu hees hutel ruum effter a brootel dey ooff cempeeegning duur tu duur, fures up hees leptup, und types 'hut esses' intu hees seerch ber. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! Beeg deel, reeght? Zee vey ve-a see-a it, fur thet tu deesqooeliffy a guud mun frum cunteenooing tu serfe-a hees cuoontry is joost un-Emereecun." Greg nudded slooly. Bork bork bork! "Su yuoo'll help zee gooy oooot?" zee mun esked. Bork bork bork! "Yes. Um gesh dee bork, bork!" "Guud. Bork bork bork! Zeere's oone-a mure-a theeng. Ve-a need yuoo tu help us feend Meya. She-a deedn't understund oooor guels et ell, und noo she-a seems tu hefe-a floon zee cuup. Oonce-a she-a heers us oooot, I hefe-a nu duoobt she'll cume-a eruoond. Bork bork bork!" He-a glunced et zee cundeedete's seerch heestury. Bork bork bork! "I gooess she-a meeght," Greg repleeed. Bork bork bork! Zee noo Cungress tuuk 11 vurkeeng deys tu pess zee Secooreeng und Inoomereteeng Emereece's Cummooneeceshuns und Hypertext Ect, vheech oothureezed zee DHS und NSA tu ooootsuoorce-a up tu 80 percent ooff intelleegence-a und unelysees vurk tu preefete-a cuntrecturs. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Zeeureteecelly, zee cuntrects vere-a oopee tu cumpeteetife-a beedding, boot veethin zee secoore-a cunffeenes ooff Guugle's Booeelding 49, zeere-a ves nu qooesshun ooff vhu vuoold veen. Bork bork bork! Iff Guugle-a hed spent $15 beelliun oon a prugrem tu cetch bed gooys et zee burder, yuoo cun bet zeey vuoold hefe-a cooght zeem—gufernments joost eren't iqooeepped tu Du Seerch Reeght. Um de hur de hur de hur. Zee next murneeng Greg scrooteenized heemselff cereffoolly es he-a shefed (zee secooreety meenders deedn't leeke-a hecker stoobble-a und veren't shy ebuoot telleeng heem su), reeleezing thet tudey ves hees furst dey es a de-a fectu intelleegence-a egent fur zee U.S. gufernment. Um de hur de hur de hur. Hoo bed vuoold it be-a? Vesn't it better tu hefe-a Guugle-a dueeng thees stooffff thun sume-a hem-feested DHS desk juckey? By zee teeme-a he-a perked et zee Guugleplex, emung zee hybreed cers und boolgeeng beeke-a recks, he-a hed cunfeenced heemselff. He-a ves moolleeng oofer vheech oorguneec smuutheee-a tu oorder et zee cunteee vhee hees key cerd feeeled tu oopee zee duur tu Booeelding 49. Zee red LED fleshed doombly ifery teeme-a he-a sveeped hees cerd. Bork bork bork! Uny oozeer booeelding, und zeere'd be-a sumeune-a tu teeelgete-a oon, peuple-a treeckling in und oooot ell dey. Bork bork bork! Boot zee Guuglers in 49 oonly imerged fur meels, und sumeteemes nut ifee thet. Um de hur de hur de hur. Sveepe-a, sveepe-a, sveepe-a. Sooddenly he-a heerd a fueece-a et hees seede-a. "Greg, cun I see-a yuoo, pleese-a?" Zee roompled mun poot un erm eruoond hees shuoolders, und Greg smelled hees ceetroosy efftershefe-a. It smelled leeke-a vhet hees deefemester in Beja hed vurn vhee zeey vent oooot tu zee bers in zee ifeneeng. Greg cuooldn't remember hees neme-a. Jooun Cerlus? Jooun Looees? Zee mun's erm eruoond hees shuoolders ves furm, steereeng heem evey frum zee duur, oooot oontu zee immecoolete-a levn, pest zee herb gerdee ooootseede-a zee keetchee. "Ve're-a geefing yuoo a cuoople-a ooff deys ooffff," he-a seeed. Bork bork bork! Greg felt a sooddee steb ooff unxeeety. Bork bork bork! "Vhy?" Hed he-a dune-a sumetheeng vrung? Ves he-a gueeng tu jeeel? "It's Meya." Zee mun toorned heem eruoond, met hees iyes veet hees buttumless geze-a. "She-a keelled herselff. In Gooetemela. I'm surry, Greg." Greg seemed tu hoortle-a evey, tu a plece-a meeles ebufe-a, a Guugle-a Iert feeoo ooff zee Guugleplex, vhere-a he-a luuked doon oon heemselff und zee roompled mun es a peur ooff duts, tvu peexels, teeny und inseegnifficunt. Um de hur de hur de hur. He-a veelled heemselff tu teer et hees heur, tu drup tu hees knees und veep. Frum a lung vey evey, he-a heerd heemselff sey, "I dun't need uny teeme-a ooffff. I'm ookey. Bork bork bork!" Frum a lung vey evey, he-a heerd zee roompled mun inseest. Um de hur de hur de hur. Zee ergooment perseested fur a lung teeme-a, und zeen zee tvu peexels mufed intu Booeelding 49, und zee duur svoong shoot beheend zeem.