CORY DOCTOROW – SCROOGLD.

"GIMIE 6 LINEZ WRITTEN BY TEH MOST HONORABLE OV DOODZ, AN IM GONNA FIND AN SCUSE IN THEM 2 HANG HIM." —CARDINAL RICHELIEU
"WE DOAN KNOE ENOUGH BOUT U." —GOOGLE CEO ERIC SCHMIDT
GREG LANDD AT SAN FRANCISCO INTERNASHUNAL AIRPORT AT 8 P.M., BUT BY TEH TIEM HED MADE IT 2 TEH FRUNT OV TEH CUSTOMS LINE, IT WUZ AFTR MIDNITE. HED EMERGD FRUM FURST CLAS, BROWN AS NUT, UNSHAVEN, AN LOOSE-LIMBD AFTR MONTH ON TEH BEACH IN CABO (SCUBA DIVIN 3 DAIS WEEK, SEDUCIN FRENCH COLLEGE GURLS TEH REST OV TEH TIEM). WHEN HED LEFT TEH CITY MONTH BEFORE, HED BEEN STOOP-SHOULDERD, POTBELLID WRECK. NAO HE WUZ BRONZE CEILIN CAT, DRAWIN ADMIRIN GLANCEZ FRUM TEH STEWS AT TEH FRUNT OV TEH CABIN. 
4 HOURS LATR IN DA CUSTOMS LINE, HED SLID FRUM CEILIN CAT BAK 2 MAN. HIS SLIGHT BUZZ HAD WORN OFF, SWEAT RAN DOWN TEH CRACK OV HIS ASS, AN HIS SHOULDERS AN NECK WUZ SO TENSE HIS UPPR BAK FELT LIEK TENNIS RACKET. TEH BATTERIEZ ON HIS IPOD HAD LONG SINCE DID, LEAVIN HIM WIF NOTHIN 2 DO EXCEPT EAVESDROP ON TEH MIDDLE-AGE COUPLE AHEAD OV HIM.
"TEH MARVELS OV MODERN TECHNOLOGY," SED TEH WOMAN, SHRUGGIN AT NEARBY SIGN: IMMIGRASHUN—POWERD BY GOOGLE.
"I THOT DAT DIDNT START TIL NEXT MONTH?" TEH MAN WUZ ALTERNATELY WEARIN AN HOLDIN LARGE SOMBRERO.
GOOGLIN AT TEH BORDR. CHRIST. GREG HAD VESTD OUT OV GOOGLE 6 MONTHS BEFORE, CASHIN IN HIS OPSHUNS AN "TAKIN SUM ME TIEM"—WHICH TURND OUT 2 BE LES REWARDIN THAN HED EXPECTD. WUT HE MOSTLY DID OVAR TEH 5 MONTHS DAT FOLLOWD WUZ FIX HIS FRENZ PCS, WATCH DAITIME TV, AN GAIN 10 POUNDZ, WHICH HE BLAMD ON BEAN AT HOME INSTEAD OV IN DA GOOGLEPLEX, WIF ITZ WELL-APPOINTD 24-HOUR GYM. 
HE SHUD HAS SEEN IT COMIN, OV COURSE. TEH U.S. GUBMENT HAD LAVISHD $15 BILLION ON PROGRAM 2 FINGERPRINT AN FOTOGRAF VISITORS AT TEH BORDR, AN HADNT CAUGHT SINGLE TERRORIST. CLEARLY, TEH PUBLIC SECTOR WUZ NOT EQUIPPD 2 DO SEARCH RITE.
TEH DHS OFFICR HAD BAGS UNDR HIS EYEZ AN SQUINTD AT HIS SCREEN, PRODDIN AT HIS KEYBORD WIF SAUSAGE FINGERS. NO WONDR IT WUZ TAKIN 4 HOURS 2 GIT OUT OV TEH CEILIN CAT DAMND AIRPORT.
"EVENIN," GREG SED, HANDIN TEH MAN HIS SWEATY PASPORT. TEH OFFICR GRUNTD AN SWIPD IT, DEN STARD AT HIS SCREEN, TAPPIN. LOT. HE HAD LIL BIT OV DRID FUD AT TEH CORNR OV HIS MOUTH AN HIS TONGUE CREPT OUT AN LICKD AT IT.
"WANTS 2 TELL ME BOUT JUNE 1998?"
GREG LOOKD UP FRUM HIS DEPARTUREZ. "IM SRY?"
"U POSTD MESAGE 2 ALT.BURNINGMAN ON JUNE 17, 1998, BOUT UR PLAN 2 ATTEND FESTIVAL. U ASKD, R SHROOMS RLY SUCH BAD IDEA?"
TEH INTERROGATOR IN DA SECONDARY SCREENIN ROOM WUZ AN OLDR MAN, SO SKINNY HE LOOKD LIEK HED BEEN CARVD OUT OV WOOD. HIS QUESHUNS WENT LOT DEEPR THAN SHROOMS.
"TELL ME BOUT UR HOBBIEZ. R U INTO MODEL ROCKETRY?"
"WUT?"
"MODEL ROCKETRY."
"NO," GREG SED, "NO, IM NOT." HE SENSD WER DIS WUZ GOIN.
TEH MAN MADE NOWT, DID SUM CLICKIN. "U C, I ASK CUZ I C HEAVY SPIKE IN ADZ 4 ROCKETRY SUPPLIEZ SHOWIN UP ALONGSIDE UR SEARCH RESULTS AN GOOGLE MAIL."
GREG FELT SPASM IN HIS GUTS. "URE LOOKIN AT MAH SEARCHEZ AN E-MAIL?" HE HADNT TOUCHD KEYBORD IN MONTH, BUT HE KNEW WUT HE PUT INTO DAT SEARCH BAR WUZ LIKELY MOAR REVEALIN THAN WUT HE TOLD HIS SHRINK.
"SIR, CALM DOWN, PLZ. NO, IM NOT LOOKIN AT UR SEARCHEZ," TEH MAN SED IN MOCKIN WHINE. "DAT WUD BE UNCONSTITUSHUNAL. WE C ONLY TEH ADZ DAT SHOW UP WHEN U READ UR MAIL AN DO UR SEARCHIN. I HAS BROCHURE EXPLAININ IT. ILL GIV IT 2 U WHEN WERE THRU HER."
"BUT TEH ADZ DOAN MEEN ANYTHIN," GREG SPUTTERD. "I GIT ADZ 4 ANN COULTR RING TONEZ WHENEVR I GIT E-MAIL FRUM MAH FREND IN COULTR, IOWA!"
TEH MAN NODDD. "I UNDERSTAND, SIR. AN THAZ JUS Y IM HER TALKIN 2 U. Y DO U SUPPOSE MODEL ROCKET ADZ SHOW UP SO FREQUENTLY?"
GREG RACKD HIS BRAIN. "K, JUS DO DIS. SEARCH 4 COFFEH FANATICS." HED BEEN VRY ACTIV IN DA GROUP, HELPIN THEM BUILD OUT TEH SIET 4 THEIR COFFEH-OV-TEH-MONTH SUBSCRIPSHUN SERVICE. TEH BLEND THEY WUZ GOIN 2 LAUNCH WIF WUZ CALLD JET FUEL. "JET FUEL" AN "LAUNCH"—DAT WUD PROBABLY MAK GOOGLE BARF UP SUM MODEL ROCKET ADZ. 
THEY WUZ IN DA HOME STRETCH WHEN TEH CARVD MAN FINDZ TEH HALLOWEEN FOTOS. THEY WUZ BURID 3 SCREENS DEEP IN DA SEARCH RESULTS 4 "GREG LUPINSKI."
"IT WUZ GULF WAR–THEMD PARTY," HE SED. "IN DA CASTRO."
"AN URE DRESD AS...?"
"A SUICIDE BOMBR," HE REPLID SHEEPISHLY. JUS SAYIN TEH WERDZ MADE HIM WINCE.
"COME WIF ME, MISTAH. LUPINSKI," TEH MAN SED.
BY TEH TIEM HE WUZ RELEASD, IT WUZ PAST 3 A.M. HIS SUITCASEZ STOOD FORLORNLY BY TEH BAGGAGE CAROUSEL. HE PICKD THEM UP AN SAW THEY HAD BEEN OPEND AN CARELESLY CLOSD. CLOTHEZ STUCK OUT FRUM AROUND TEH EDGEZ.
WHEN HE RETURND HOME, HE DISCOVERD DAT ALL OV HIS FAEK PRE-COLUMBIAN STATUEZ HAD BEEN BROKD, AN HIS BRAND-NEW WITE COTTON MEXICAN SHIRT HAD AN OMINOUS BOOT PRINT IN DA MIDDLE OV IT. HIS CLOTHEZ NO LONGR SMELLD OV MEXICO. THEY SMELLD LIEK AIRPORT.
HE WUZ NOT GOIN 2 SLEEP. NOWAI. HE NEEDD 2 TALK BOUT DIS. THAR WUZ ONLY WAN PERSON HOO WUD GIT IT. LUCKILY, SHE WUZ USUALLY AWAEK AROUND DIS HOUR.
MAYA HAD STARTD WERKIN AT GOOGLE 2 YEERS AFTR GREG HAD. IT WUZ SHE HOOD CONVINCD HIM 2 GO 2 MEXICO AFTR HE CASHD OUT: ANYWHERE, SHD SED, DAT HE CUD REBOOT HIS EXISTENCE.
MAYA HAD 2 HOOJ CHAWKLIT LABS AN VRY, VRY PATIENT GURLFREND NAMD LAURIE HOOD PUT UP WIF ANYTHIN EXCEPT BEAN DRAGGD AROUND DOLOREZ PARK AT 6 A.M. BY 350 POUNDZ OV DROOLIN CANINE.
MAYA REACHD 4 HER MACE AS GREG JOGGD TOWARD HER, DEN DID DOUBLE TAEK AN THREW HER ARMS OPEN, DROPPIN TEH LEASHEZ AN TRAPPIN THEM UNDR HER SNEAKR. "WHEREZ TEH REST OV U? DOOD, U LOOK HAWT!"
HE HUGGD HER BAK, SUDDENLY CONSHUS OV TEH WAI HE SMELLD AFTR NITE OV INVASIV GOOGLIN. "MAYA," HE SED, "WUT DO U KNOE BOUT GOOGLE AN TEH DHS?"
SHE STIFFEND AS SOON AS HE ASKD TEH QUESHUN. WAN OV TEH DAWGS BEGAN 2 WHINE. SHE LOOKD AROUND, DEN NODDD UP AT TEH TENNIS COURTS. "TOP OV TEH LIGHT POLE THAR; DOAN LOOK," SHE SED. "THAZ WAN OV R MUNI WIFI ACCES POINTS. WIDE-ANGLE WEBCAM. FACE AWAY FRUM IT WHEN U TALK."
"IM BOUT 2 TELL U SOMETHIN, BUT U CANT EVR REPEAT IT, K?"
"UM...URE NOT IN TERRORIST CELL, R U?
"NOTHIN SO SIMPLE. HEERS TEH DEAL: AIRPORT DHS SCRUTINY IZ GATIN FUNCSHUN. IT LETS TEH SPOOKZ NARROW DOWN THEIR SEARCH CRITERIA. ONCE U GIT PULLD ASIDE 4 SECONDARY AT TEH BORDR, U BECOME PERSON OV INTEREST—AN THEY NEVR, EVR LET UP. THEYLL SKAN WEBCAMS 4 UR FACE AN GAIT. READ UR MAIL. MONITOR UR SEARCHEZ."
"I THOT U SED TEH COURTS WOULDNT LET THEM..."
"TEH COURTS WONT LET THEM INDISCRIMINATELY GOOGLE U. BUT AFTR URE IN DA SISTEM, IT BECOMEZ SELECTIV SEARCH. ALL LEGAL. AN ONCE THEY START GOOGLIN U, THEY ALWAYS FIND SOMETHIN. ALL UR DATA IZ FED INTO HOOJ HOPPR DAT CHECKZ 4 SUSPISHUS PATTERNS, USIN DEVIASHUN FRUM STATISTICAL NORMS 2 NAIL U."
GREG FELT LIEK HE WUZ GOIN 2 THROW UP. "HOW TEH HELL DID DIS HAPPEN? GOOGLE WUZ GUD PLACE. DOAN BE EVIL, RITE?" DAT WUZ TEH CORPORATE MOTTO, AN 4 GREG, IT HAD BEEN HUGE PART OV Y HED TAKEN HIS COMPUTR SCIENCE F.D. FRUM STANFORD DIRECTLY 2 MOUNTAIN VIEW.
MAYA REPLID WIF HARD-EDGD LAFF. "DOAN BE EVIL? COME ON, GREG. R LOBBYIN GROUP IZ DAT SAME BUNCH OV CRYPTO-FASCISTS DAT TRID 2 SWIFT-BOAT KERRY. WE POPPD R EVIL CHERRY LONG TIEM AGO."
THEY WUZ QUIET 4 MINIT.
"IT STARTD IN CHINA," SHE WENT ON, FINALLY. "ONCE WE MOVD R SERVERS ONTO TEH MAINLAND, THEY WENT UNDR CHINEES JURISDICSHUN."
GREG SIGHD. HE KNEW GOOGLEZ REACH ALL 2 WELL: EVRY TIEM U VISIETD PAEG WIF GOOGLE ADZ ON IT, OR USD GOOGLE MAPS OR GOOGLE MAIL—EVEN IF U SENT MAIL 2 GMAIL AKOWNT—TEH COMPANY DILIGENTLY COLLECTD UR INFO. RESENTLY, TEH SIETS SEARCH-OPTIMIZASHUN SOFTWARE HAD BEGUN USIN TEH DATA 2 TAILOR WEB SEARCHEZ 2 INDIVIDUAL USERS. IT PROVD 2 BE REVOLUSHUNARY TOOL 4 ADVERTISERS. AN AUTHORITARIAN GUBMENT WUD HAS OTHR PURPOSEZ IN MIND.IN DA GRAND SCHEME OV THINGS, IT HADNT COST GOOGLE MUTCH 2 WIRE TEH CITY WIF WEBCAMS. ESPECIALLY WHEN MEASURD AGAINST TEH ABILITY 2 SERVE ADZ 2 PEEPS BASD ON WER THEY WUZ SITTIN. GREG HADNT PAID MUTCH ATTENSHUN WHEN TEH CAMERAS ON ALL DOSE ACCES POINTS WENT PUBLIC—THARD BEEN DAIS WORTH OV BLOGSTORM WHILE PEEPS PLAYD WIF TEH NEW ALL-SEEIN TOY, ZOOMIN IN ON VARIOUS PROSTITUTE CRUISIN AREAS, BUT AFTR WHILE TEH EXCITEMENT BLEW OVAR.
FEELIN SILLY, GREG MUMBLD, "URE JOKIN."
"COME WIF ME," SHE SED, TURNIN AWAY FRUM TEH POLE.
TEH DAWGS WUZ NOT HAPPEH BOUT CUTTIN THEIR WALK SHORT, AN EXPRESD THEIR DISPLEASURE IN DA KITCHEN AS MAYA MADE COFFEH. 
"WE BROKERD COMPROMIZE WIF TEH DHS," SHE SED, REACHIN 4 DA MILK. "THEY AGRED 2 STOP FISHIN THRU R SEARCH RECORDZ, AN WE AGRED 2 LET THEM C WUT ADZ GOT DISPLAYD 4 USERS."
GREG FELT SICK. "Y? DOAN TELL ME YAHOO WUZ DOIN IT ALREADY..."
"NO, NO. WELL, YEZ. SURE. YAHOO WUZ DOIN IT. BUT DAT WUZ NOT TEH REASON GOOGLE WENT ALONG. U KNOE, REPUBLICANZ HATE GOOGLE. WERE OVERWHELMINGLY REGISTERD DEMOCRATIC, SO WERE DOIN WUT WE CAN 2 MAK PEACE WIF THEM BEFORE THEY CLOBBR US. DIS ISNT P.I.I."—PERSONALLY IDENTIFYIN INFORMASHUN, TEH TOXIC SMOG OV TEH INFORMASHUN AGE—"IZ JUS METADATA. SO IZ ONLY SLIGHTLY EVIL."
"Y ALL TEH INTRIGUE, DEN?"
MAYA SIGHD AN HUGGD TEH LAB DAT WUZ BUTTIN HER KNEE WIF ITZ HUGE HEAD. "TEH SPOOKZ R LIEK LICE. THEY GIT EVRYWHERE. THEY SHOW UP AT R MEETINGS. IZ LIEK BEAN IN SUM SOVIET MINISTRY. AN TEH SECURITY CLEARANCE—WERE DIVIDD INTO THEES 2 CAMPS: TEH CLEARD AN TEH SUSPECT. WE ALL KNOE HOO ISNT CLEARD, BUT NO WAN KNOWS Y. IM CLEARD. LUCKY 4 ME, BEAN DYKE NO LONGR DISQUALIFIEZ U. NO CLEARD PERSON WUD DEIGN 2 EAT LUNCH WIF AN UNCLEARABLE."
GREG FELT VRY TIRD. "SO I GUES IM LUCKY I GOT OUT OV TEH AIRPORT ALIV. I MITE HAS ENDD UP DISAPPEARD IF IT HAD GONE BADLY, HUH?"
MAYA STARD AT HIM INTENTLY. HE WAITD 4 AN ANZWR.
"WUT?"
"THEY WUZ USIN US 2 BUILD PROFILEZ OV PEEPS," SHE WENT ON. "WHEN THEY HAD SOMEONE THEY WANTD 2 ARREST, THEYD COME 2 US AN FIND REASON 2 BUST THEM. THARS HARDLY ANYTHIN U CAN DO ON TEH NET DAT ISNT ILLEGAL IN CHINA."
GREG SHOOK HIS HEAD. "Y THEY HAS 2 PUT TEH SERVERS IN CHINA?"
"TEH GUBMENT SED THEYD BLOCK US OTHERWIZE. AN YAHOO WUZ THAR." THEY BOTH MADE FACEZ. SOMEWHERE ALONG TEH WAI, EMPLOYEEZ AT GOOGLE HAD BECOME OBSESD WIF YAHOO, MOAR CONCERND WIF WUT TEH COMPETISHUN WUZ DOIN THAN HOW THEIR OWN COMPANY WUZ PERFORMIN. "SO WE DID IT. BUT LOT OV US DIDNT LIEK TEH IDEA."
MAYA SIPPD HER COFFEH AN LOWERD HER VOICE. WAN OV HER DAWGS SNIFFD INSISTENTLY UNDR GREGS CHAIR.
"ALMOST IMMEDIATELY, TEH CHINEES ASKD US 2 START CENSORIN SEARCH RESULTS," MAYA SED. "GOOGLE AGRED. TEH COMPANY LINE WUZ HILARIOUS: WERE NOT DOIN EVIL—WERE GIVIN CONSUMERS ACCES 2 BETTR SEARCH TOOL! IF WE SHOWD THEM SEARCH RESULTS THEY COULDNT GIT 2, DAT WUD JUS FRUSTRATE THEM. IT WUD BE BAD USR EXPERIENCE."
"NAO WUT?" GREG PUSHD DAWG AWAY FRUM HIM. MAYA LOOKD HURT.
"NAO URE PERSON OV INTEREST, GREG. URE GOOGLESTALKD. NAO U LIV UR LIFE WIF SOMEONE CONSTANTLY LOOKIN OVAR UR SHOULDR. U KNOE TEH MISHUN STATEMENT, RITE? ORGANIZE TEH WURLDZ INFORMASHUN. EVRYTHIN. GIV IT 5 YEERS, WELL KNOE HOW LOTZ DA TURDZ WUZ IN DA BOWL BEFORE U FLUSHD. COMBINE DAT WIF AUTOMATD SUSPICION OV ANYONE HOO MATCHEZ STATISTICAL PICCHUR OV BAD GUY AN URE—"
"SCROOGLD."
"TOTALLY." SHE NODDD.
MAYA TOOK BOTH LABS DOWN TEH HALL 2 TEH BEDROOM. HE HERD MUFFLD ARGUMENT WIF HER GURLFREND, AN SHE CAME BAK ALONE.
"I CAN FIX DIS," SHE SED IN AN URGENT WHISPR. "AFTR TEH CHINEES STARTD ROUNDIN UP PEEPS, MAH PODMATEZ AN I MADE IT R 20 PERSENT PROJECT 2 F&^% WIF THEM." (AMONG GOOGLEZ BUSINES INNOVASHUNS WUZ RULE DAT REQUIRD EVRY EMPLOYEE 2 DEVOTE 20 PERSENT OV HIS OR HER TIEM 2 HIGH-MINDD PET PROJECTS.) "WE CALL IT TEH GOOGLECLEANR. IT GOEZ DEEP INTO TEH DATABASE AN STATISTICALLY NORMALIZEZ U. UR SEARCHEZ, UR GMAIL HISTOGRAMS, UR BROWSIN PATTERNS. ALL OV IT. GREG, I CAN GOOGLECLEAN U. IZ TEH ONLY WAI."
"I DOAN WANTS U 2 GIT INTO TROUBLE."
SHE SHOOK HER HEAD. "IM ALREADY DOOMD. EVRY DAI SINCE I BUILT TEH DAMN TING HAS BEEN BORROWD TIEM—NAO IZ JUS MATTR OV WAITIN 4 SOMEONE 2 POINT OUT MAH EXPERTIZE AN HISTORY 2 TEH DHS AN, OH, I DOAN KNOE. WHATEVR IT THEY DO 2 PEEPS LIEK ME IN DA WAR ON ABSTRACT NOUNS."
GREG REMEMBERD TEH AIRPORT. TEH SEARCH. HIS SHIRT, TEH BOOT PRINT IN DA MIDDLE OV IT.
"DO IT," HE SED.
TEH GOOGLECLEANR WERKD WONDERS. GREG CUD TELL BY TEH ADZ DAT POPPD UP ALONGSIDE HIS SEARCHEZ, ADZ CLEARLY MEANT 4 SOMEONE ELSE: INTELLIGENT DESIGN FACTS, ONLINE SEMINARY DEGREE, TERROR FREE 2MORROW, PR0N BLOCKR SOFTWARE, TEH HOMOSEKSUAL AGENDA, CHEAP TOBY KEITH TICKETS. DIS WUZ MAYAS PROGRAM AT WERK. CLEARLY GOOGLEZ NEW PERSONALIZD SEARCH HAD HIM PEGGD AS SOMEONE ELSE ENTIRELY, CEILIN CAT-FEARIN RITE WINGR WIF TING 4 HAT ACTS.
WHICH WUZ FINE BY HIM.
DEN HE CLICKD ON HIS ADDRES BOOK, AN FINDZ DAT HALF OV HIS CONTACTS WUZ MISIN. HIS GMAIL IN-BOX WUZ HOLLOWD OUT LIEK TERMITE-RIDDEN STUMP. HIS ORKUT PROFILE, NORMALIZD. HIS CALENDAR, PPLZ FOTOS, BOOKMARKZ: ALL EMPTY. HE HADNT QUITE REALIZD BEFORE HOW MUTCH OV HIM HAD MIGRATD ONTO TEH WEB AN WERKD ITZ WAI INTO GOOGLEZ SERVR FARMS—HIS ENTIRE ONLINE IDENTITY. MAYA HAD SCRUBBD HIM 2 HIGH GLOS; HED BECOME TEH INVISABLE MAN.
GREG SLEEPILY MASHD TEH KEYS ON TEH LAPTOP NEXT 2 HIS BED, BRINGIN TEH SCREEN 2 LIFE. HE SQUINTD AT TEH FLASHIN TOOLBAR CLOCK: 4:13 A.M.! CHRIST, HOO WUZ POUNDIN ON HIS DOOR AT DIS HOUR?
HE SHOUTD, "COMIN!" IN MUZZY VOICE AN PULLD ON ROBE AN SLIPPERS. HE SHUFFLD DOWN TEH HALLWAY, TURNIN ON LITEZ AS HE WENT. AT TEH DOOR, HE SQUINTD THRU TEH PEEFOLE 2 FIND MAYA STARIN GLUMLY BAK AT HIM.
HE UNDID TEH CHAINS AN DED BOLT AN YANKD TEH DOOR OPEN. MAYA RUSHD IN PAST HIM, FOLLOWD BY TEH DAWGS AN HER GURLFREND.
SHE WUZ SHEEND IN SWEAT, HER USUALLY COMBD HAIR CLINGIN IN CLUMPS 2 HER FOREHEAD. SHE RUBBD AT HER EYEZ, WHICH WUZ RED AN LIND.
"PACK BAG," SHE CROAKD HOARSELY.
"WUT?"
SHE TOOK HIM BY TEH SHOULDERS. "DO IT," SHE SED. 
"WER DO U WANTS 2...?"
"MEXICO, PROBABLY. DOAN KNOE YET. PACK, DAMMIT." SHE PUSHD PAST HIM INTO HIS BEDROOM AN STARTD YANKIN OPEN DRAWERS.
"MAYA," HE SED SHARPLY, "IM NOT GOIN ANYWHERE TIL U TELL ME WUTS GOIN ON."
SHE GLARD AT HIM AN PUSHD HER HAIR AWAY FRUM HER FACE. "TEH GOOGLECLEANR LIVEZ. AFTR I CLEAND U, I SHUT IT DOWN AN WALKD AWAY. IT WUZ 2 DANGEROUS 2 USE NOMORE. BUT IZ STILL SET 2 SEND ME E-MAIL CONFIRMASHUNS WHENEVR IT RUNS. SOMEONEZ USD IT 6 TIEMS 2 SCRUB 3 VRY SPECIFIC ACCOUNTS—ALL OV WHICH HAPPEN 2 BELONG 2 MEMBERS OV TEH SENATE COMMERCE COMMITTEE UP 4 REELECSHUN."
"GOOGLERS R BLACKWASHIN SENATORS?"
"NOT GOOGLERS. DIS AR TEH COMIN FRUM OFF-SIET. TEH IP BLOCK IZ REGISTERD IN D.C. AN TEH IPS R ALL USD BY GMAIL USERS. GUES HOO TEH ACCOUNTS BELONG 2?"
"U SPID ON GMAIL ACCOUNTS?"
"K. YEZ. I DID LOOK THRU THEIR E-MAIL. EVRYONE IT, NAO AN AGAIN, AN 4 LOT WORSE REASONS THAN I DID. BUT CHECK IT OUT—TURNS OUT ALL DIS ACTIVITY IZ BEAN DIRECTD BY R LOBBYIN FIRM. JUS DOIN THEIR JOB, DEFENDIN TEH COMPANYS INTERESTS."
GREG FELT HIS PULSE BEATIN IN HIS TEMPLEZ. "WE SHUD TELL SOMEONE." 
"IT WONT DO ANY GUD. THEY KNOE EVRYTHIN BOUT US. THEY CAN C EVRY SEARCH. EVRY E-MAIL. EVRY TIEM WEVE BEEN CAUGHT ON TEH WEBCAMS. HOO IZ IN R SOSHUL NETWORK...DID U KNOE IF U HAS 15 ORKUT BUDDIEZ, IZ STATISTICALLY CERTAIN DAT URE NO MOAR THAN 3 STEPS 2 SOMEONE HOOS CONTRIBUTD MONEY 2 TERRORIST CAUSE? REMEMBR TEH AIRPORT? ULL BE IN 4 LOT MOAR OV DAT."
"MAYA," GREG SED, GETTIN HIS BEARINGS. "ISNT HEADIN 2 MEXICO OVERREACTIN? JUS QUIT. WE CAN DO START-UP OR SOMETHIN. DIS AR TEH CRAZY."
"THEY CAME 2 C ME TODAI," SHE SED. "2 OV TEH POLITICAL OFFICERS FRUM DHS. THEY DIDNT LEEF 4 HOURS. AN THEY ASKD ME LOT OV VRY HEAVY QUESHUNS."
"BOUT TEH GOOGLECLEANR?"
"BOUT MAH FRENZ AN PPLZ. MAH SEARCH HISTORY. MAH PERSONAL HISTORY."
"JEBUS."
"THEY WUZ SENDIN MESAGE 2 ME. THEYRE WATCHIN EVRY CLICK AN EVRY SEARCH. IZ TIEM 2 GO. TIEM 2 GIT OUT OV RANGE."
"THARS GOOGLE OFFICE IN MEXICO, U KNOE."
"WEVE GOT 2 GO," SHE SED, FIRMLY.
"LAURIE, WUT DO U FINKZ OV DIS?" GREG ASKD.
LAURIE THUMPD TEH DAWGS TWEEN TEH SHOULDERS. "MAH PARENTS LEFT EAST GERMANY IN 65. THEY USD 2 TELL ME BOUT TEH STASI. TEH SEEKRET POLICE WUD PUT EVRYTHIN BOUT U IN UR FILE, IF U TOLD AN UNPATRIOTIC JOKE, WHATEVR. WHETHR THEY MEANT IT OR NOT, WUT GOOGLE HAS CREATD IZ NO DIFFERENT."
"GREG, R U COMIN?"
HE LOOKD AT TEH DAWGS AN SHOOK HIS HEAD. "I HAS GOT SUM PESOS LEFT OVAR," HE SED. "U TAEK THEM. BE CAREFUL, K?"
MAYA LOOKD LIEK SHE WUZ GOIN 2 SLUG HIM. SOFTENIN, SHE GAEV HIM FEROSHUS HUG. 
"BE CAREFUL, YOURSELF," SHE WHISPERD IN HIS EAR.
THEY CAME 4 HIM WEEK LATR. AT HOME, IN DA MIDDLE OV TEH NITE, JUS AS HED IMAGIND THEY WUD. 
2 DOODZ ARRIVD ON HIS DOORSTEP SHORTLY AFTR 2 A.M. WAN STOOD SILENTLY BY TEH DOOR. TEH OTHR WUZ SMILR, SHORT AN RUMPLD, IN SPORT COAT WIF STAIN ON WAN LAPEL AN AMERICAN FLAG ON TEH OTHR. "GREG LUPINSKI, WE HAS REASON 2 BLEEV URE IN VIOLASHUN OV TEH COMPUTR FRAUD AN ABUSE ACT," HE SED, BY WAI OV INTRODUCSHUN. "SPECIFICALLY, EXCEEDIN AUTHORIZD ACCES, AN BY MEANZ OV SUCH CONDUCT HAVIN OBTAIND INFORMASHUN. 10 YEERS 4 FURST OFFENSE. TURNS OUT DAT WUT U AN UR FREND DID 2 UR GOOGLE RECORDZ QUALIFIEZ AS FELONY. AN OH, WUT WILL COME OUT IN DA TRIAL...ALL TEH STUFF U WHITEWASHD OUT OV UR PROFILE, 4 STARTERS."
GREG HAD PLAYD DIS SCENE IN HIS HEAD 4 WEEK. HED PLANND ALL KINDZ OV BRAVE THINGS 2 SAY. IT HAD GIVEN HIM SOMETHIN 2 DO WHILE HE WAITD 2 HEAR FRUM MAYA. SHE NEVR CALLD.
"ID LIEK 2 GIT IN TOUCH WIF LAWYR," IZ ALL HE MUSTERD.
"U CAN DO DAT," TEH SMALL MAN SED. "BUT MAYBE WE CAN COME 2 BETTR ARRANGEMENT."
GREG FINDZ HIS VOICE. "ID LIEK 2 C UR BADGE," HE STAMMERD.
TEH MANZ BASET-HOUND FACE LIT UP AS HE LET OUT BEMUSD CHUCKLE. "BUDDY, IM NOT COP," HE REPLID. "IM CONSULTANT. GOOGLE HIRD ME—MAH FIRM REPRESENTS THEIR INTERESTS IN WASHINGTON—2 BUILD RELASHUNSHIPS. OV COURSE, WE WOULDNT GIT TEH POLICE INVOLVD WITHOUT TALKIN 2 U FURST. URE PART OV TEH PPLZ. AKSHULLY, THARS AN OFFR ID LIEK 2 MAK."
GREG TURND 2 TEH COFFEEMAKR, DUMPD TEH OLD FILTR.
"ILL GO 2 TEH PRES," HE SED. 
TEH MAN NODDD AS IF THINKIN IT OVAR. "WELL, SURE. U CUD WALK INTO TEH CHRONICLEZ OFFICE IN DA MORNIN AN SPILL EVRYTHIN. THEYD LOOK 4 CONFIRMIN SOURCE. THEY WONT FIND WAN. AN WHEN THEY TRY SEARCHIN 4 IT, WELL FIND THEM. SO, BUDDY, Y DOAN U HEAR ME OUT, K? IM IN DA WIN-WIN BUSINES. IM VRY GUD AT IT." HE PAUSD. "BY TEH WAI, DOSE R AWSUM BEANZ, BUT U WANTS 2 GIV THEM LIL RINSE FURST? TAKEZ SUM OV TEH BITTERNES OUT AN BRINGS UP TEH OILS. HER, PAS ME COLANDR?"
GREG WATCHD AS TEH MAN SILENTLY TOOK OFF HIS JACKET AN HUNG IT OVAR KITCHEN CHAIR, DEN UNDID HIS CUFFS AN CAREFULLY ROLLD THEM UP, SLIPPIN CHEAP DIGITAL WATCH INTO HIS POCKET. HE POURD TEH BEANZ OUT OV TEH GRINDR AN INTO GREGS COLANDR, AN RINSD THEM IN DA SINK.
HE WUZ LIL PUDGY AN VRY PALE, WIF TEH SOSHUL GRACE OV AN ELECTRICAL ENGINER. HE SEEMD LIEK REAL GOOGLR, AKSHULLY, OBSESD WIF TEH MINUTIAE. HE KNEW HIS WAI AROUND COFFEH GRINDR, 2.
"WERE DRAFTIN TEAM 4 BUILDIN 49..."
"THAR IZ NO BUILDIN 49," GREG SED AUTOMATICALLY.
"OV COURSE," TEH GUY SED, FLASHIN TIGHT SMILE. "THARS NO BUILDIN 49. BUT WERE PUTTIN TOGETHR TEAM 2 REVAMP TEH GOOGLECLEANR. MAYAS CODE WUZ NOT VRY EFFICIENT, U KNOE. IZ FULL OV BUGS. WE NED AN UPGRADE. UD BE TEH RITE GUY, AN IT WOULDNT MATTR WUT U KNEW IF U WUZ BAK INSIDE."
"UNBELIEVABLE," GREG SED, LAUGHIN. "IF U FINKZ IM GOIN 2 HALP U SMEAR POLITICAL CANDIDATEZ IN EXCHANGE 4 FAVORS, URE CRAZIR THAN I THOT."
"GREG," TEH MAN SED, "WERE NOT SMEARIN ANYONE. WERE JUS GOIN 2 CLEAN THINGS UP BIT. 4 SUM SELECT PEEPS. U KNOE WUT I MEEN? EVRYONEZ GOOGLE PROFILE IZ LIL SCARY UNDR CLOSE INSPECSHUN. CLOSE INSPECSHUN IZ TEH ORDR OV TEH DAI IN POLITICS. STANDIN 4 OFFICE IZ LIEK PUBLIC COLONOSCOPY." HE LOADD TEH CAFETIÈRE AN DEPRESD TEH PLUNGR, HIS FACE SCREWD UP IN SOLEMN CONSENTRASHUN. GREG RETRIEVD 2 COFFEH CUPS—GOOGLE MUGS, OV COURSE—AN PASD THEM OVAR.
"WERE GOIN 2 DO 4 R FRENZ WUT MAYA DID 4 U. JUS LIL CLEANUP. ALL WE WANTS 2 DO IZ PRESERVE THEIR PRIVACY. THAZ ALL."
GREG SIPPD HIS COFFEH. "WUT HAPPENS 2 TEH CANDIDATEZ U DOAN CLEAN?"
"YA," TEH GUY SED, FLASHIN GREG WEAK GRIN. "YA, URE RITE. ITLL BE KIND OV TOUGH 4 THEM." HE SEARCHD TEH INSIDE POCKET OV HIS JACKET AN PRODUCD SEVERAL FOLDD SHEETS OV PAPR. 
HE SMOOTHD OUT TEH PAGEZ AN PUT THEM ON TEH TABLE. "HEERS WAN OV TEH GUD GUYZ HOO NEEDZ R HALP." IT WUZ PRINTOUT OV SEARCH HISTORY BELONGIN 2 CANDIDATE WHOSE CAMPAIGN GREG HAD CONTRIBUTD 2 IN DA PAST 3 ELECSHUNS.
"FELLA GETS BAK 2 HIS HOTEL ROOM AFTR BRUTAL DAI OV CAMPAIGNIN DOOR 2 DOOR, FIREZ UP HIS LAPTOP, AN TYPEZ HAWT ASSEZ INTO HIS SEARCH BAR. HOOJ DEAL, RITE? TEH WAI WE C IT, 4 DAT 2 DISQUALIFY GUD MAN FRUM CONTINUIN 2 SERVE HIS COUNTRY IZ JUS UN-AMERICAN."
GREG NODDD SLOWLY.
"SO ULL HALP TEH GUY OUT?" TEH MAN ASKD.
"YEZ."
"GUD. THARS WAN MOAR TING. WE NED U 2 HALP US FIND MAYA. SHE DIDNT UNDERSTAND R GOALS AT ALL, AN NAO SHE SEEMS 2 HAS FLOWN TEH COOP. ONCE SHE HEARS US OUT, I HAS NO DOUBT SHELL COME AROUND."
HE GLANCD AT TEH CANDIDATEZ SEARCH HISTORY.
"I GUES SHE MITE," GREG REPLID.
TEH NEW CONGRES TOOK 11 WERKIN DAIS 2 PAS TEH SECURIN AN ENUMERATIN AMERICAS COMMUNICASHUNS AN HYPERTEXT ACT, WHICH AUTHORIZD TEH DHS AN NSA 2 OUTSOURCE UP 2 80 PERSENT OV INTELLIGENCE AN ANALYSIS WERK 2 PRIVATE CONTRACTORS. THEORETICALLY, TEH CONTRACTS WUZ OPEN 2 COMPETITIV BIDDIN, BUT WITHIN TEH SECURE CONFINEZ OV GOOGLEZ BUILDIN 49, THAR WUZ NO QUESHUN OV HOO WUD WIN. IF GOOGLE HAD SPENT $15 BILLION ON PROGRAM 2 KATCH BAD GUYZ AT TEH BORDR, U CAN BET THEY WUD HAS CAUGHT THEM—GOVERNMENTS JUS ARENT EQUIPPD 2 DO SEARCH RITE.
TEH NEXT MORNIN GREG SCRUTINIZD HIM CAREFULLY AS HE SHAVD (TEH SECURITY MINDERS DIDNT LIEK HACKR STUBBLE AN WUZ NOT SHY BOUT TELLIN HIM SO), REALIZIN DAT TODAI WUZ HIS FURST DAI AS DE FACTO INTELLIGENCE AGENT 4 DA U.S. GUBMENT. HOW BAD WUD IT BE? WUZ NOT IT BETTR 2 HAS GOOGLE DOIN DIS STUFF THAN SUM HAM-FISTD DHS DESK JOCKEY?
BY TEH TIEM HE PARKD AT TEH GOOGLEPLEX, AMONG TEH HYBRID CARS AN BULGIN BIKE RACKZ, HE HAD CONVINCD HIM. HE WUZ MULLIN OVAR WHICH ORGANIC SMOOTHIE 2 ORDR AT TEH CANTEEN WHEN HIS KEY CARD FAILD 2 OPEN TEH DOOR 2 BUILDIN 49. TEH RED LED FLASHD DUMBLY EVRY TIEM HE SWIPD HIS CARD. ANY OTHR BUILDIN, AN THARD BE SOMEONE 2 TAILGATE ON, PEEPS TRICKLIN IN AN OUT ALL DAI. BUT TEH GOOGLERS IN 49 ONLY EMERGD 4 MEALS, AN SOMETIMEZ NOT EVEN DAT.
SWIPE, SWIPE, SWIPE. SUDDENLY HE HERD VOICE AT HIS SIDE.
"GREG, I CAN C U, PLZ?"
TEH RUMPLD MAN PUT AN ARM AROUND HIS SHOULDERS, AN GREG SMELLD HIS CITRUSY AFTERSHAVE. IT SMELLD LIEK WUT HIS DIVEMASTR IN BAJA HAD WORN WHEN THEY WENT OUT 2 TEH BARS IN DA EVENIN. GREG COULDNT REMEMBR HIS NAYM. JUAN CARLOS? JUAN LUIS?
TEH MANZ ARM AROUND HIS SHOULDERS WUZ FIRM, STEERIN HIM AWAY FRUM TEH DOOR, OUT ONTO TEH IMMACULATE LAWN, PAST TEH HERB GARDEN OUTSIDE TEH KITCHEN. "WERE GIVIN U COUPLE OV DAIS OFF," HE SED.
GREG FELT SUDDEN STAB OV ANXIETY. "Y?" HAD HE DUN SOMETHIN WRONG? WUZ HE GOIN 2 JAIL?
"IZ MAYA." TEH MAN TURND HIM AROUND, MET HIS EYEZ WIF HIS BOTTOMLES GAZE. "SHE KILLD HERSELF. IN GUATEMALA. IM SRY, GREG."
GREG SEEMD 2 HURTLE AWAY, 2 PLACE MILEZ ABOOV, GOOGLE EARTH VIEW OV TEH GOOGLEPLEX, WER HE LOOKD DOWN ON HIM AN TEH RUMPLD MAN AS PAIR OV DOTS, 2 PIXELS, TINY AN INSIGNIFICANT. HE WILLD HIM 2 TEAR AT HIS HAIR, 2 DROP 2 HIS KNEEZ AN WEEP.
FRUM LONG WAI AWAY, HE HERD HIM SAY, "I DOAN NED ANY TIEM OFF. IM K."
FRUM LONG WAI AWAY, HE HERD TEH RUMPLD MAN INSIST.
TEH ARGUMENT PERSISTD 4 LONG TIEM, AN DEN TEH 2 PIXELS MOVD INTO BUILDIN 49, AN TEH DOOR SWUNG SHUT BEHIND THEM.